Sort of a guest post from my sweet boy.

I love that when I go to talk to my boys about my heartache and have to give them bad news that they can respond with there hearts and give me what comforts them. This was what R had today, this they sung in the box (our children's church), and he shared with me what it speaks to him.


First of that it shows him that we will never be denied Jesus.
 He never gives up on us R told me and that we're stirring up the 'deep deep waters' which  helps us to have belief in God because knowing the truth in life helps us to believe even more in God. The truth in life being everything in our life that keeps us stuck in a well. The truth is all the stuff that keeps all the water coming upon us. But if you believe then you get taken out of that well that keeps you away from a life with God.



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So I have to say hands down I absolutely LOVE my boys.  I love their hearts, and I love that when I am brought down they can pick me up.  To have the faith of a child, oh my heart I can only imagine. I love that they love and believe that God can and always will protect them. That they know that as long as we all believe then the water will not consume us and we can be freed from the DEEP!


May you all find your rescue from your wells!

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3

There are no promises for Happiness.

My fast came to an end this last week, I had gone into to begging for relief from the burden of my husband's heart, the difficulty dealing with day to day tasks alone, and facing the battle.  But God kept whispering, every time I would go to him in the quiet moments and to pray, "Just give it ALL to me, you are FREE of this burden, I AM taking care of it".  This went on for days on end, but I kept fasting and praying, and then it hit me last Monday.  In quiet prayer God left me with this simple word.  "You are done fighting, please let me have all of this".  I was left crying and quite honestly questioning, really can I give it all away??!!  That night while talking it over with A, just out of nowhere I began to speak my heart, and it was God telling the both of us, that this battle we are in has been so difficult but it's been AMAZING.  This battle is changing our lives, we are in His word, we are forever changed for the BETTER because of this.  We are able to be the family I have always wanted to be, and it is because we have turned to Him more, and we have devoted our lives to Him more.  It is because we are giving over this battle, that we will never be the same.

I woke up Tuesday refreshed, renewed, and READY.  I knew I was ending my fast that day, and I was able to focus that day on celebrating end of my fighting for the battle but to fight for PEACE in our home.

Then today, WOW.
I can't lie I have questioned, should I have really stopped, OH NO what did I do, but I kept praying I keep looking to him and fighting for peace.
 So today.
Today's service was nothing more than amazing.
  I needed that word and God knew to put me there at that moment.  
 Never give up, remember that God never promises happiness but He does promise peace and joy.  But we have to FIGHT for that peace and joy.  As long as we are willing to really FIGHT for that peace and joy the reward will be AMAZING.
 Just NEVER GIVE UP.

Our lives aren't going to be sunshine and roses, oh no no following God brings heartache and troubles!  But He promises us PEACE!!  So we'll have to work hard for joy and peace and not give up, and we WILL make it!

We will be ok because His hands are upon us, His hands are battling for us, and all we need to do is fight for peace and joy, and BELIEVE His word.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

 Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew   6:33-34

Go to Him and leave it with Him.  He will reward you abundantly in the end as long as you don't stop fighting for His promises!

He's faithful to complete His dreams for us!!

I'm not strong enough.

I am always caught off guard when someone tells me "You're so strong"
 The truth of the matter I am not but HE is.

I am a weeping crying/lay on the couch and don't do housework or move/forget to eat/talk no to no one/stress out easily/over clean my house for no reason MESS.
So no I don't have it all together but HE does!



In the darkest moments when this journey began I questioned God, I question why why WHY!?  I screamed out for answers. What did I do, why does this have to happen!!?? My life was shattered all around me by a hidden sin that is so devastatingly destructive!  I begged God to make it all go away, I pleaded in the darkness for His light to shine through, I cried out to Him to give me the strength to face the days.

I prayed for peace.

I was seeking answers to questions that couldn't be answered.  I wanted to understand.  But He answered differently.  I could hear Him in the quiet moments, I love you my daughter, I am here, and I will never leave you.  I am here always and forever my love never gives up and so you cannot give up!

So even though I am devastated.  Our lives will never be the same.  One thing remains.  My love for God.  My need to know Him more!  My need to believe, trust, and walk in His light!

My only duty is to continue to pray, believe, trust, and wait.

He will always fight the battles for us, we just have to believe.

With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD

 our God to help us and to fight our battles. 2 Chronicles 32:8

Our God will fight for us!

Nehemiah 4:20

Do not be afraid of them; the LORD

 your God himself will fight for you

Deuteronomy 3:22

Let's be real for a minute

I am overwhelmed.
I feel defeated.
I am on the brink of craziness.


I miss so much....
sleeping in and letting A take the kids to school..
being able to lay back on the couch and watch them play with their dad...
days off work just the two of us all day running errands together...
getting to lay in bed and just relax while A does the nighttime routine with them all...
laying in bed as A cooks us all breakfast and then brings it to me in bed...
just being able to go where we want when we want just because we want to get out of the house without kids..
working on projects around the house together...
laying in bed watching tv...
curling up on the couch after the kids go to bed to talk...
taking a day OFF...
being able to have nachos in bed after the kids go to bed ..can we say random date nights...
cooking dinner together...


I miss having my partner in this life

 I miss having someone so close

 I miss my best friend.

Facing the mountains

Completely bogged down by my own thoughts.

  Burdened by the pain of constant worry.

Consumed with fear.

Overwhelmed with life and all I have to do alone.

This morning as I sat and prayed, two words kept coming to the surface: Integrity and Redemption.
I poured out my heart, pleaded with God, and still those two words kept coming forward.  As I sat with my journal this morning, I prayed as I was opening it, and when I opened it the pages just fell open to the page on Integrity.  Really God, today?

So I focused on integrity this morning and meditating over this simple verse

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely Proverbs 10:9

As I sat in the quiet and meditated upon this simple word, I was drawn to think of how our honesty speaks to who we are. Our words, our actions, our beliefs, all dictate who we are even our own thoughts.  Honesty is what defines us.We must be honest with ourselves! We must review the intentions of our hearts in order to display the fruit of who we really are to others.


We are only fooling ourselves, God sees all of us, not just the outward stance we show to the world.   As I prayed my heart was overwhelmed  He knows all about you! He wants to free you from the burden you are carrying! Confess your sins to him - not just those you have committed but those committed against you.  He will wash your heart clean!  Follow Him and choose to walk out these days with integrity. This isn't easy for anyone to choose to do.  Choosing to do the right thing in a situation is oh so hard! There is always things that could be lost. But no matter what the most important thing to do is not to forget our integrity is so important. We need to have this faith to be honest with ourselves and remember that without a doubt mistakes will be made.  But God is always there to forgive and help us stay on the right path.

I know, my God that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity.  All these things have I given willingly and with honest intent.  1 Chronicles 29:17

Starting the year out right!

This last year I took on my first fast.  It was just 21 days, but it left me refreshed, alive, and believing in His word.  So many revelations took place, so many miracles and I was able to stay focused on where He was planting my feet.  This fall, I took on my second fast, and I was left with so many questions and answers all at the same time.

I learned over the course of my fasts last year, at how food really did control my life.  I went on my second fast in October, because I found myself turning to food for comfort more at night than the word.  I was turning to food for answers to my problems when the problems were not going away, just being compounded by feeling awful from eating and drinking more than I needed.  I found myself questioning myself, getting lost in the fires that were raging in my life, and not fully listening to what God was showing me to do.  When you go through a fast, you learn so many things about why you do the things you do.  Why is it that that cup of coffee is so important in the morning, why can't He be enough?  Quite simple a fast teaches us to deny our "selves" and instead put our spirit in control over our flesh.


After weeks of praying, I knew that I my year would have to start out right in order to be right all year long. I have had so many struggles these last few weeks, I am struggling with the vision I had last July from God, and questioning if I actually heard him right.  I don't want to question anymore, I want to be obedient, I want to hear more of his plan for my life. I don't want to go through my life like I did last year, with just being content, I want so much more out of this year!    So with that  I am starting this year out with a 40 day fast.

I am going to being spending the next day praying over, and preparing my heart for this fast.  Praying for His wisdom and guidance in the days and weeks to come. Looking forward to the amazing things to come in this journey, completely believing in miracles!

Early Morning Clarity..

I need to be frank.
Gonna have to just be real and lay it all out on the table.
These last few weeks, I have closed up, I have shut down, I have isolated myself, stopped trying, quite simply I have believed the lies within my own mind. I am in a place no one understands and believing that it will never end.

This has been one of the hardest weeks since the firestorm came bursting into our doors. There was nothing I could do, I only felt even more alone, hurt, and broken. I believed the lies of my thoughts, the insecurities, the fears, I have let it consume me.
 I could hear God overwhelming me with His word, telling me that I was worth it, but I couldn't release myself to really listen, I couldn't even find myself to sit and pray to really hear Him, I was lost in the lies of what I've lived.

The lies are overwhelming the pain runs deep and I always find myself falling into this deep dark hole allowing the enemy to take over and break me down...

Then last night, I cried out to God, I begged, I pleaded with Him to replace my rest with clarity, to wake me with His word, to give light and hope in the darkness, I cried out to God to come and rescue me.

God responded.
He always is there for us, it is up to US to go to Him.  He always comes.  But I needed to stop, and let Him in.  He responded to my pain and my hurt, He has never left me, He doesn't want me to be alone. it is NOT God's will for us to be lonely!  He has gone to great lengths to bring us into HIS family!  Who am I to deny what He has done by hiding in the lies?

Then, a sweet friend posts a video.
 I was brought to tears, I was broken down, I could see again, and God told me I am here, You are worthy. 


I love this verse from The Message
God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating   Colossians 1:13-14



We have power in His word, we have power when we live in His victory.  You don't have to be alone to feel lonely.  I am in a place where I feel no one understands and that it will never end.  But the thing is it will, one day, but that day has been set and written by God. I am doomed to keep repeating this cycle, if I don't walk in His light.   I must trust in Him, take the reigns of all the lies, and stand up fight them with His word. Only He sets us FREE.